Heckle #10: Q & A with a Gay

So I’ve decided for every tenth post upon this here blog, I shall regale you all with questions submitted from one of my many adoring fans (okay so I totally could have made the questions up and pretended they were from another person, sort of like Lady Gaga generating bots to follow her on Twitter)(bot is short for robot, because I said so).

These questions can be one, or many, but if it’s one, it better be good or I’m sending you a cease and desist from being allowed to use your mind. So here goes, and these are from a gay, about super gay stuff. So strap on your strap on, put on the soothing tunes of a Kylie Minogue/Spice Girls mash-up, and get ready to have your brains massaged.

Before I answer the questions I must preface with informing the Internet that these questions are unedited. So yes, this fellow has some grammatical bugbears he needs to get a rein on.

Same sex marriage.

After wondering for some time if this was a question, or simply word association, I meshed the two ideas together to form a simple, yet poignant reply: Ugh, not again.

Look, I get all you adoring heterosexuals out there believe we, the gays, truly need to be respected as just an extension of the white, heterosexual, white collar, conservative male ideal that holds our society hostage. But the thing is, there is only one purpose for marriage. It’s designed to encourage reproduction; the woman requires a token of commitment due to her chromosomal wiring, the man requires pussy and nothing is better than a pussy with a ring around it. This is marriage, folks. It’s not a symbol of equality, so please gay sons and daughters, stop fighting for invitation to it.

That cute wedding you just attended to watch Kyal and Declan (two SUPER gay names) tie the knot was followed by an all night bathhouse session with a group of coked out bears. We’re wearing masks so you don’t get scared. Meaning, we are not cute, or like you, and once we have widespread marriage equality the gays will find something else to cry about because, alas, we are conditioned to feel perpetually victimised.

Is there really a difference between gay and straight. Or is it an early education exposure thing that influences our sexual being?

Studies in my head have shown sexuality is defined during the very early years (before three? I think I read that in a Cleo side piece), so I firmly believe you are either chemically inclined to follow the scent of a male, or a female. However, I also believe how GAY or how STRAIGHT you end up becoming is influenced by your immediate environment during the years of conditioning. Say if you were born gay, and you then grew up in a female dominated environment, you will tend to go down the glittery, creative, emotional, sashaying route of uber campness. If you were born a straight female, yet grew up in the deep South wherein you had to go shoot dear with your Father for dinner, you’d likely dominate men in relationships, and so on.

So it’s not education, no. You could watch hours of straight porn to visualise yourself straight. Yet it’s the unconscious learning your mind is doing by watching your Sister play with a Barbie or your Mother crying during Oprah that will define your adult sexuality.

Monogamy. Is there such a thing.

Now, bitch, you know that a lie. Monogamy is an ideal, in an ideal world. It’s also not an idealistic practice. Many individuals fool themselves to believing that having a wedding ceremony entitles them to lock down their spouses against any and all future penis and/or vagina encounters from outsiders.

Men are biologically primed to breed, to spread their precious seed across as many uteruses as they can. Monogamy is forcing them inside a cage to which they are unacustomed, while the mate sits outside it, in a rocking chair, knitting and laughing manically. Women are biologically primed to BE primed by men. So if you are not priming her anymore, after ten hellish years locked in matrimony, she’s going to get her prime on elsewhere. Likely from a man who is in the same position you were ten years ago… when your urge to procreate had you unwittingly engaged and before you knew it – you were watching Thai ladyboy porn at 4am, swigging Heineken and using your tears for lubricant.

So you can believe he or she is yours forever and always when you slide a chain down their finger, encrusted with jewels, but you would be wrong.

There you have it, chumps, and now I must go and burn the gay flag, join Westboro Church and starting attending Catholic school. Have a happy, hetero day!


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